This statement discusses breaches of sexual consent, which I have both committed and experienced.
In a previous relationship, I failed my partner badly in sexual consent. I tried to enact a sexual scenario of domination which we had previously discussed, but without properly agreeing boundaries and consent beforehand. I initiated the scene without seeking proper ongoing and enthusiastic consent, and failed to hear my partner's non-consent. I eventually understood that something was wrong, and stopped, but too late and without properly communicating with or caring for my partner. This was an assault. It also took me longer than it should have to understand what I had done, denying it until the next day. I have since accepted my actions, apologised and asked for forgiveness. Writing this statement was requested by my former partner, who asked to remain anonymous and approved the text.
In the same relationship, I had a long-term experience of being failed badly in consent. I had become anxious about and sometimes reluctant to have sex. In an attempt to meet my partner's sexual desires, I suggested that my partner should "push through" my resistance when initiating sex with me. This suggestion was self-hating and dangerous and my partner should not have accepted it or the terms of the conversation. The result was that my partner had sex with me without my consent on several occasions, and my ability to consent well was eroded. I am still trying to understand how it came to be that I felt unable to say "no" when I did not want sex. I have told my former partner what they did and how it affected me, and they have accepted this and apologised. I offer forgiveness. I am including this paragraph not to explain or excuse my own actions, but because being able to say this publicly feels necessarily reparative to me.
Strong cultures and personal ethics of consent are vital, and it is far too common for us to let ourselves and our sexual partners down. This includes long-term partners: in fact, the risks are perhaps even greater there, when too much can be taken for granted. Since these events, I have worked hard to learn how to do consent better and this has enriched my life. I recommend this bank of resources for people who want to read about a more radical approach to consent: https://www.sproutdistro.com/catalog/zines/accountability-consent/ In particular, in coming to terms with what I have done and what has been done to me, I have found particularly helpful "We Are All Survivors, We Are All Perpetrators".
Take care